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by Irina Kings | Mar 20, 2018

Sex Fantasies – Never Good Acting On Them

Sexual Fantasies a way of having sex with everyone Sexual Fantasies also called an erotic fantasy.  Is a mental image or pattern of thought that stirs…

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Sexual Fantasies a way of having sex with everyone

Sexual Fantasies also called an erotic fantasy.  Is a mental image or pattern of thought that stirs a person’s sexuality and can create or enhance sexual arousal.  A sexual fantasy can be created by the person’s imagination or memory. Anything that may give rise to a sexual arousal may also produce a sexual fantasy, and sexual arousal may in turn give rise to fantasies.

Men and women fall into two groups: those who have sexual fantasies and those who do not. And those in the second group are lying. Well, maybe not. Given the extraordinary diversity of sexual thoughts and behavior, there are probably some who do not fantasize. Certainly, there are some who do not have sex at all, so it is not unthinkable that some of them have no sexual fantasies either.

A sexual fantasy is a story in which the person fantasizing has a starring role. These stories are extraordinarily varied. It is thought that the specifics of each fantasy draw on experiences the man or woman had growing up. They may be short stories, such as watching someone else have sex or imagining that someone is looking at them while they have sex. These erotic daydreams are given names: voyeuristic fantasies or exhibitionistic fantasies. There may be very complicated story lines which center on certain iconic figures..  The teacher, the nurse, the maid, for instance, or the mother or father of a friend. These are individuals that appear in everyone’s life and may have become the object of childhood fantasies of sex; and these fantasies then live on into adulthood.

Why do people have sexual fantasies?

Ever fantasize about having a threesome? Or having your wrists bound to the bedpost in an extra-steamy sex session? Well, you are far from alone: For a study published in 2014, researchers asked more than 1,000 adults about the contents of their sexual fantasies and found a few common themes. 57%  of women, for example, said they had dreamt about having sex with two men, while 37% had fantasized about sex with two women.

But why do we have fantasies in the first place? “They’re a powerful way to increase arousal, and distract from anxiety,” explains Ian Kerner, PhD, a New York City-based sex therapist. “A lot of people fantasize during sex and may be conflicted about it—but the fantasy could be doing a valuable service of helping compartmentalize stressors that normally get in the way of arousal.” In other words, fantasies help you escape from everyday life, and reach that blissed-out state where nothing matters except what’s happening right in the moment.

What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Say About You?

Often, what we fantasize about doesn’t align with our values and principles and involve things that we would never really want to happen in real life.  But it might be worth getting to know what does it for you.  It might tell you something about yourself you might not already know. Here’s a roundup of some  common sexual fantasies.

Bondage fantasies:

No prizes for guessing this one is about power. One person has it, the other doesn’t and we’re attracted to both for different reasons. Stripped of it, we are completely at the mercy of someone else, absolving us of responsibility. This means we’re ‘forced’ to enjoy whatever the other person does to us. If you’re a people-pleaser and usually the ‘giver’, this makes it impossible to reciprocate.

Forbidden people:

Sometimes it’s a replay of what actually happened with a particularly desirable ex (we tend to marry for love not sex); if it’s someone new, the grass-is-greener philosophy is at play. The more forbidden the person (our partner’s best friend, someone’s father, the boss), the more powerful the fantasy. The  ‘we want what we can’t have’  syndrome is especially potent in sex.

Sex in public or semi-public:

This one’s about people admiring us. Usually, onlookers are so impressed by our sexual skills, they’d cut off a limb to swap places with the person we’re having sex with. It’s also illegal so can mean you’re quite rebellious.

Sex with someone much younger or older:

Having sex with someone much younger than us is an ego-boost: we’ve still ‘got it’ to be able to attract them. Sex with someone older works on the same principle. We see older people as wiser, richer, more intelligent, worldly and sophisticated. Then there are Daddy issues. Women who consistently fantasise about older men or date them in real life, can sometimes be working through issues with their own father.

Threesomes, swinging, group sex:

When women fantasise about group sex they tend to be the undisputed star of the session – and are nearly always on the receiving end. For men, it’s more about being able to satisfy more than one woman.

These fantasies are a heady blend of exhibitionism, voyeurism, bi-curiosity (if there’s the same sex involved) and a human longing for excess (if one person feels good, more must feel better).

Women with women:

It’s as common for women to have sexual fantasies about other women as it is rare for men to have fantasies about other men.. Says Nancy Friday, author of The Secret Garden, the infamous book about female fantasies.

Women are far less haunted by the social taboo of being gay, probably because society is far less homophobic about gay women than it is gay men. Most women who fantasise about other women, aren’t gay or bi-sexual: simply thinking about something does not mean you’re gay.

Be careful about sharing this one though: watching you with another woman happens to be one of the top male fantasies. Especially if he’s been racking his brains about what special surprise he can organize for that upcoming birthday…

Fantasy vs. Reality.

It is more satisfying to have actual sex with another human being than it is to fantasize about having sex. On the other hand….  Sexual fantasies can range over the whole gamut of human interaction in ways that would not be acceptable in real life.

There is an appeal to sexual fantasies, which is why people have them. Reality can seem unexciting. At the same time, certain fantasies are best left as fantasies. There are hidden aspects of certain sexual daydreams that become apparent when an attempt is made to fulfill them. Putting it differently, reality interferes.

Our fantasy lives are separate from our actual sex lives for a reason. They are internal, the work of imagination, they can be dangerous yet entirely safe, shameful yet fulfilled, with no fear of judgement, they are always satisfying. But fantasies are an illusion, which is what makes them so personal and so powerful, and we shouldn’t forget that.